Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
