I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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