so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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