He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
