five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
