I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
