i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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