I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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