I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
