break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
