so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
