My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
