I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
