I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
