Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I pour the whiskey from now on
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize