We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
