Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
