Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
