i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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