It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
