My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
