the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
