so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
