Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
