we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
