My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Never underestimate the power of titties
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
