Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
