Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
