i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
