if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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