I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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