I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
