i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
