Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
