Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
