o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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