i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
