Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
