i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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