6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
