There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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