Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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