You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
