Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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