she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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