I just pynch a tree in the face
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize