I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
