no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
40s are totally the cure
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
