I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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