I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
