Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
