fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
