So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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