Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
