Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
