You're my little dorito
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
