there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize