i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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